Offensive Thinking

Pre-MRI Pressure

Posted: 2012-11-25

My everyday TODO-list, item order arbitrary

It’s about a week until the next MRI now. I normally begin to feel the pressure roughly two weeks in advance, the fear and uncertainty that I’m sure will never go away, no matter how often I’ll do this (xkcd got it about right).

The cancer became a part of my life now, and although I think about it at least once a day, I’ve learned to live with the feeling. Thinking about cancer is nothing new anymore, it’s what I do now. The thing is, it also takes away a little of the part of me that cares about other people’s problems and lifes. This is mostly true for those who aren’t friends or family, as I will always care about those that are close to me.

Especially in the last two weeks before an MRI though, I catch myself not caring much about all the little problems around me. I have to force myself not to treat people unfairly if they come to me with some minor problems that, from their point of view, need to get my immediate attention. This mostly happens at work, because this is where things need to get done and where I spend most of my day. When your life happens in three-month intervals, it’s sometimes hard to decide whether whatever you’re doing right now is time well spent, and that includes work. This often gets me if I have a particularly stressful day and someone (unintentionally) steps on my toes. I have to hold myself back not to just throw everything down and walk out, living whatever remains of my life outside of an office full of people that cannot even begin to imagine how I feel.

Sorry for the bad mood, I really didn’t want to throw a pity party. It’s just hard sometimes to stay fair and not blame others for their lack of knowledge of how all this feels, especially before the next checkup. I guess the winter depression is also kicking in. Next blog post is planned to be about me being on a health trip right now, which gives me lots of positive energy :).